Worky Work

Goin to work high. I totally say that it can be necessary some days.  I'm feeling better about how I look because quite frankly noone gives a shit.  Even on days when I'm not high and tweakin it doesn't really matter if I look perfect. I've established friendships w/ most everyone who has seen me looking not my best and they forget about it though because we're already friends.

Whoops I'm a high mofo! I am goin to work in 2 minutes. Time to hit this tiny bowl I packed and be on my stupid way <3

Cleaned up Shop a little bit. hence, many posts deleted

Yes I had to. I just don't want some shit on the internet. Anyways the last week has been uncomfortable. I didn't know that it was from weed "withdrawals" which I find to be fucking insanely hard to deal with and manage on a normal day. Which is why I haven't had contact with the whole world-besides stores, doc's appointments and through phone- for the past 6 days! Symptoms include: 1. Anxiety (general term) --- but so many things make up the whole sum of my anxiety. Including: when I wake up I'm sweaty, I want to sleep non stop, I'm feeling a detachment from reality, disorientation, thinking I have the flu or some sort of fever, having NO WORDS to describe it to others-the weird detachment from reality thing. These were actually all listed on many websites crazily to account for what many people deal with from not having their fix, if you will. They were all trying to quit. I just couldn't leave my house, which is why I didn't get any. Haha

It feels a LOT better to know that I'm probably suffering from these things because of not smoking for a little over a week after smoking for a long-ass time everyday. Relief Jackpot! I still feel many of the symptoms, but the sense of feeling like I will never figure out what's causing them has decreased quite a bit. The next question is, was I really that "detached from reality" that my dumb ass couldn't logically guess that hey, maybe this is the problem? I had considered EVERY OTHER POSSIBLE REASON for it- like wtf? But it has been an extremely cloudy 5 days, mentally and physically. It's been weird and I said out loud (to myself-) that I felt like I was in a different dimension and it SUCKEDDDDD. Which is actually a strangely accurate description.

Anyways, I am so grateful for this little, um.....revelation? And I will take this as a very likely cause of my little fucking episodes that have crippled me throughout the week. Yay!

oh my gawd

WAIT, am I seriously the only one who smokes weed every day!? I'm scared

m twer

--I just weighed myself and I'm fucking 109 pounds, hahaha! I don't think I've weighed that in a long ass time- I mean I can't remember the last time it was that I got under 110- usually I average at 114-115.

--110-115 is where I like to keep that shit under control. It's mostly because I haven't been doing the best with going to the store to buy food, as in like I'll go when the spirit moves me---- which is next to never. MWUAHAHA.  Not true. Just lately. And yesterday I had cereal and a piece of toast and probably something else- see my memory isjust shitty though I mean I lose track. I had 3-4 beers, and weed which has no fucking calories, fuckk yaaaa, some adderall.

my night= cuh-razy.  Must expand further, lataaaa fo sho.

New Idea!?

I haven't writen in forever, hence... well, SORRY.  I was thinking of starting a NEW blog entitled "Higher Thinking" or "High Thinkers" or some shit where I taslk about all the random yet incredibly logical conspiracies I discover when I'm smoking my best friend: Well, my Green Best Friend. Becuz k= real forever Best friend

BUT I'm thinkin' itd be fun as hell to have a silly but appealing place to cruise on to when their blazin.... Im talkin an Option tab where they can send THEIR high thoughts. We can all discuss the outrageous epiphanies, epiphanys that could move mountains, so on and so forth!

There are SO many things I can do with that. I KNOW that there are many other sites that are crazy popular with the concrete idea: WEEEEED, exactly the same as mine. But still, my foundation is the weird-ass shit we ramble on about when we get high. It's an insightful and strange experience to share- which is pretty fucking fun.

Hi(gh), Again! 2

--I wonder if my dad knew that he'd have to leave me about 9 years later in this picture. I don't mean when he died(November 10th, 2010), but when he left home. It's like he had the other two and could stick it out with the family life thing, convert to it or whatever.

-- But then I came, and I know he loved me and maybe even spoiled me in a way because in every memory of us there wasn't necessarily Abbie or Fred in the background. Their memories are often based on the backdrop of one of their siblings being there alongside them with their Dad. I was more often alone; I didn't have a sibling within four years of range to grow up with, so more often it was me and him. I wonder if he wanted to make lasting memories, happy memories, because he knew he had to leave at some point.
Abbie and Fred knew him when they were teenagers. I didn't live with him after age 12. Until I turned 19. I wonder if that's why I changed from the way I was in Lwhen I turned 19.  I couldn't explain the change clearly, even to myself, because it was lost on my manifestation with being suddenly "alone" and "isolated." I wasn't really, in fact I was provided a new start that really made me less alone then I was in L. I floated through high school mostly alone, until Tony. That was three years from starting out high school alone (first day- 2003, first day I met Tony- 2006).  first day moved in with dad ( 2008)  to right now, shitty ass time-  since 2011- that's about three years. 2006 and 2007 were when I reach my breaking point. Now I feel like it could be 2011-2012 when I reach my breaking point. I'm just surprised at myself right now. I'm stuffing so much pain away that it should be considered a near un-human feat. I'm obviously smoking a shit-ton of weed (we'll find out when that general practitioner appointment my mom wants to stand in on is- in case they do some weird unexpected drug testing shit), I take adderall, klonopin and try to find a thrill in  subsatnces any chance I am given, besides any kind of alcohol---that was for the 16-19 year old me.

I feel irrefutably sick here and I don't think there's much I can do- for that matter I don't think that I WANT to stop smoking weed, taking adderall, and klonopin, but I want to have friends here  and of course someone to love me and text me/ call me (here) so that I know I fucking exist.

---But on a good note, maybe I was sent here to make up for lost time. Because we lived together, and strangely enough surprised each other by being the people we really were.

well thank god for Kl-ahh-nopin.

Damn right. I feel much much better after taking... well at first 3, but in about ten minutes I took two more. I feel great now--mind state has altered fantastically just as it should.

Much much much to fucking do; classes officially end Wednesday- that's in 2 days, yahoo!!
I'm trying to like, get a hold of myself when it comes to school work and shit. I hope this semester will serve as a wake-up call to me--that I need to step up my game next semester.

There's so many things I want to do though over break that it's hard not to get caught up in thinking about them. Such as:

1. Reading shit I want to read: "The Things they carried" (in paper-backform, I've all ready listened to it), and obviously tons of other shit, hopefully Nathaniel Hawthorne! I should have a kindle over break(YAY XMAS PRESENT FROM MOMMY!), so I'm sure I will get a lot of some kind of reading done.
2. English MTEL book! This thing is the shit. Study it, also plan on taking test.
3. Blogging--> First of all, come up with topics and practice and shit for my new JOB at school! and then, learn more about blogging in general. even like not just youtube videos, possibly library books or something...
4. write more (short story, etc.)
5. Come up w/ more studying skills. There's like, technology and shit for that you know... 
6. Get to cuse hopefully at some point. I'm pretty sure I can make this happen. There's definitely more I just don't really know @ the top of the head right this second.

TALK TO YA LATA. Love, Em