Hi(gh), Again! 2

--I wonder if my dad knew that he'd have to leave me about 9 years later in this picture. I don't mean when he died(November 10th, 2010), but when he left home. It's like he had the other two and could stick it out with the family life thing, convert to it or whatever.

-- But then I came, and I know he loved me and maybe even spoiled me in a way because in every memory of us there wasn't necessarily Abbie or Fred in the background. Their memories are often based on the backdrop of one of their siblings being there alongside them with their Dad. I was more often alone; I didn't have a sibling within four years of range to grow up with, so more often it was me and him. I wonder if he wanted to make lasting memories, happy memories, because he knew he had to leave at some point.
Abbie and Fred knew him when they were teenagers. I didn't live with him after age 12. Until I turned 19. I wonder if that's why I changed from the way I was in Lwhen I turned 19.  I couldn't explain the change clearly, even to myself, because it was lost on my manifestation with being suddenly "alone" and "isolated." I wasn't really, in fact I was provided a new start that really made me less alone then I was in L. I floated through high school mostly alone, until Tony. That was three years from starting out high school alone (first day- 2003, first day I met Tony- 2006).  first day moved in with dad ( 2008)  to right now, shitty ass time-  since 2011- that's about three years. 2006 and 2007 were when I reach my breaking point. Now I feel like it could be 2011-2012 when I reach my breaking point. I'm just surprised at myself right now. I'm stuffing so much pain away that it should be considered a near un-human feat. I'm obviously smoking a shit-ton of weed (we'll find out when that general practitioner appointment my mom wants to stand in on is- in case they do some weird unexpected drug testing shit), I take adderall, klonopin and try to find a thrill in  subsatnces any chance I am given, besides any kind of alcohol---that was for the 16-19 year old me.

I feel irrefutably sick here and I don't think there's much I can do- for that matter I don't think that I WANT to stop smoking weed, taking adderall, and klonopin, but I want to have friends here  and of course someone to love me and text me/ call me (here) so that I know I fucking exist.

---But on a good note, maybe I was sent here to make up for lost time. Because we lived together, and strangely enough surprised each other by being the people we really were.

well thank god for Kl-ahh-nopin.

Damn right. I feel much much better after taking... well at first 3, but in about ten minutes I took two more. I feel great now--mind state has altered fantastically just as it should.

Much much much to fucking do; classes officially end Wednesday- that's in 2 days, yahoo!!
I'm trying to like, get a hold of myself when it comes to school work and shit. I hope this semester will serve as a wake-up call to me--that I need to step up my game next semester.

There's so many things I want to do though over break that it's hard not to get caught up in thinking about them. Such as:

1. Reading shit I want to read: "The Things they carried" (in paper-backform, I've all ready listened to it), and obviously tons of other shit, hopefully Nathaniel Hawthorne! I should have a kindle over break(YAY XMAS PRESENT FROM MOMMY!), so I'm sure I will get a lot of some kind of reading done.
2. English MTEL book! This thing is the shit. Study it, also plan on taking test.
3. Blogging--> First of all, come up with topics and practice and shit for my new JOB at school! and then, learn more about blogging in general. even like not just youtube videos, possibly library books or something...
4. write more (short story, etc.)
5. Come up w/ more studying skills. There's like, technology and shit for that you know... 
6. Get to cuse hopefully at some point. I'm pretty sure I can make this happen. There's definitely more I just don't really know @ the top of the head right this second.

TALK TO YA LATA. Love, Em

New fucking news

I just got the best mother-fucking email ever------> I've been accepted as one of the two new bloggers for the  school's blog! I mean yeah it's not like nationally renowned or anything but I don't care, I am SO happy about it. My life is a joke at times, it's the only way I can look at it without becoming too depressed, if I just tell myself hey, shit's not a big deal! people don't really give a shit, whatever. But knowing I got this job-although it might seem minor to some- means I can fucking feel good about something. I can't explain it. I mean I got Leif here once again, laying on my fucking futon, I'm quite sure he uses me for my futon and for rides. I could cry all the time about the joke that is my social life, the non-existence. Yes my lamenting is ridiculous, and I could go on forever. But I have something I can seriously be proud of now. I am really really fucking happy.

By the way, this kid at work if so fucking cute. He even made a point to strike up conversation with me today when we were wrapping up the store tonight.  He's just got the best smile and seems so nice. I just think he's so fucking adorable. Anyways. whatever. life is life. tried to get weed tonight. if leif uses me for my house+ for rides and stupid fucking shit, I can use him for weed... if i can.  Tonight I couldn't,  he didn't find shit. Whatever. I don't fucking care. I can't wait to work for the blog. Love always, MOI

teeheehehehehe

I started @ ______ Sunday. I like it a lot... I hope I get to stay there year round. I wonder if I all ready wrote about it.

I've been so tired and have hardly gotten off of my damn futon when I'm not @ school or my new job yippee. I really need to finish this semester with seriousness. I'm just so fucking sick of getting up + shit and going to school. I am really fucking depressed. I really really really want my adderall back.

The Horror

ANYWAYS let's write about school. Today in Bd's we did our ridiculous(his ridiculous) analysis of our current novel, which is right now Lord Jim. That book is killing me. Maybe I would like Heart of Darkness better, since Apocalypse Now is one of my favorite movies ev-skis. I think that deserves a picture I will steal off of google.
<----- There we go. I got it off of someone's page on "word press"- hmm maybe I'll change from blogger to word press, sorry bitches! 


OK back to class! For Bd's I have to re-write my fucking stupid "Spoils of Poynton" essay. Literally it's like an entirely different concept! He's never satisified. I feel like english professors never are, it's their way or the highway. Or maybe I just suck at writing essays. The latter may be painstakingly true. 


In S's class we watched Alien, and good God she is obsessed with analyzing everything into her favorite weird universal theme that has to do with fear of the eastern and western world, and private governments, and femininity being destroyed and infantilism(i think she made this word up) and all this other shit that's fascinating at times, but after she turned off Alien and tried to get us to apply it to her agenda, I jus looked at her like a frigging moron. 


For Be's we continued the black history stuff, read the middle passage and talked about how there are many different voices that seem to be telling the story, and the irony is that not one of the slaves(of whom the whole poem is about) is contributing to it. I's a way for the author to show there is no way that black people have much to go by for their history since they didn't have a voice. or whatever.
-my computer's in an annoying position and I guess it's making me agitated as fuck. Talk to you later diary sir

today

It's 4:30 and all ready dark out. Yeah it's awful.

Today:
Read Lord Jim--
Finished Field Observation Write up, yay

Tried to get in touch w/ my fuckin english adviser to see if I could get into his class which he told me I could if I emailed him. Better be able to. Infobear crashed on my comp. last night, and I wasn't able to get the schedule I wanted. It really blows, I hope it gets straightened out.

getting old much?

I've aged significantly, for many reasons, if you know my history. By the way, me and the fella in the picture are no longer speaking... I'm not sure why. It's another one of those strange things.

End of field observation--thank God!

Well, @ least the end of the physical field observation, not the write-up, but I've done a lot of that. Now I just have to do the bullshit part of it =)

Well I was "observing," I was trying to find examples of literary elements in the "cask of amontillado" for the same class. Here's what I got so I don't forget:

 -Students are to have 4 examples of each:
----Setting

• Vaults, Dusk, Carnival, Narrator's Home(-false confidence of Fortunatos?).

----Symbols

• Vaults: Quite literally, entrapment- the narrator traps Fort. in the vaults,
• catacombs- death, etc
• The "pipe" of liquor, also considered the cask, who contains the alcohol.The wall that Fort. is trapped in is like the cask, because the walls contain him in them.
• Mask- At one point the narrator puts on a mask, symbolizing his false friendly personality that he uses around Fort. before he kills him

----Point of View

• First Person Narrator
•  Narrator transforms into a psychopath
• Vengeful
• Ego is very important to him-or else why would he have to murder the man who insulted him?

 ---- Characterization

• Fortunato's conceited ego is important in showing why the narrator despises him
• The narrator seems so normal, yet is such a sociopath
• Fortunado is naiive in going to the vaults w/ the narrator as if he forgot the narrator should hold some sort of grudge against him
• Fortunade turns from a confident to horrified, pitfully sad state when he realizes he will soon die.

---- Themes:

• Punishment
• Revenge
• Insanity
• The folly of Pride
• Possible jealousy

Oh god I am sick of this shit. now to word process this bullshit....
It's 9:15... I have to read a long poem for English Lit, Lord Jim, do a peer review and try to do more of this bs. I probably won't. hah.

I got the job @ Barnes and Noble! We had an orientation today. It was pretty cool-- I hope to have a regular job, as in this one isn't just seasonal.

Today would be my Dad's birthday. I love you. Watched the very very very sad Lion King video on youtube last night when Simba looks at the stars with his dad. I hadn't remembered the movie in forever, but on my drive home from school last night, I saw this star, and it reminded me of my dad and I couldn't look away. It reminded me of something, I guess  that movie. Sat and watched it and cried for an hour.

--HERES A HAPPY VIDEO: